A year ago, I wouldn’t have ever imagined my life to look like this. Everything has changed. All of my plans and dreams seem to be thrown into the scrap pile. If I was an author, my writing papers would be scrunched up and thrown into the waste paper basket! Ever felt like that?
I have just had a rough few months. However, I had big plans for this year. Big Jesus plans. Big and exciting adventures planned!
I never planned to loose my mum. It’s only been 3 months and the sting of grief is still there. But, Because I have decided to focus on Jesus this year….I still ultimately felt full of hope. Hope that even though I’m walking through another massive loss in my life- that this year could still hold some beauty.
And yes….of course, there is still hope. But today….it is the smallest trace of hope. 😆
This year, Will and I dreamed of many things. But things aren’t going to plan.
First of all, my plans never included the Coronavirus exploding throughout the world. Then again, I bet that wasn’t in your plans either! 🤔😄
Everyone in the world is freaking out about it. I’m adequately concerned, but balanced with enough faith that ultimately if I die…. Heaven awaits. But….You know, doing my best to stay home and alive if possible.
What has hit me harder than fear of catching this terrible illness, is the social isolation. The grief of not seeing my loved ones. Of staying the required distance apart. No hugging.
The grief of running into the people I love at the shops…and seeing the fear on their faces that I might be carrying “the plague” and fear I may come too close. I get it. Maybe I look at others that way too?
I feel the saddness of having to tell my kids to not hug anyone if we see someone we know while we are out! And now….the added grief of not even being able to Go Out!
There are many posts of Facebook about “doing the right thing” and self isolation. But I haven’t seen many posts about how hard it is to be isolated. I’m not talking about boredom or toliet paper memes. I’m talking…. “my life feels like it is spinning out of control and I need a hug…or a coffee date but I am forbidden to do so for an undefined period of time!” Is there a meme for that??? 😉
I wanted another baby this year, but it’s not as simple now because if the risk of coronavirus.
We wanted to go away later this year, but that’s fairly bleak looking right now.
And then my baby needed an MRI. Today, actually.
You see, my little 1 year old has been having strange eye issues. One eye has started to roll backwards, get ‘stuck’ briefly in place and sometimes twitches for a split second. It ends almost as quick as it happens. But our whole household sees it. No parent wants to see their child’s eyes roll or do weird things.
I think that it will be ok. Maybe a weird lazy eye thing? But regardless….my baby had a brain scan today. We have no idea of what’s going on in her body. Her eye ‘episodes’ happen at least 10-15 times a day now. But if you think of how quickly a twitch or second passes, when most people see her- you would never guess how big this feels to us.
But thankfully, zero other concerning issues. She is still our happy little cutie pie. Our “Havey Bear” (Haven) ❤❤❤❤❤.
So my Hope’s and Dreams feel like they are “Cancelled”. My vision for this year seems a little blurry right now.
No mum. No socialising. No idea what’s causing Haven’s eyes to act strange. No baby making 🤣😆 (feels sadder than it sounds)
For now, this is the view of my heart and life. It is the tapestry being woven into the story of my life. And I wouldn’t have chosen my year to look like this. Especially 2020; which has such a good ring to it!! Hehe
But I am not the author of my life. God is.
And while all of my world feels overwhelming right now, this is not the final chapter of my life. There will be sorrow, and there will be joy. And none of these things will change the plans God has for my life. And If you are feeling overwhelmed right now, your current circumstances don’t change God’s plan for your life either. Just saying 😘
Love always kelly xx