Full of Hope, yet feeling hopeless.

I was grumpy today.

Ever had a day where you felt grumpy, and it takes you longer than it should to stop being grumpy? 😂 Well, that was me.

I think that my emotions are struggling to cope with the tension building in my heart. That’s why Will has to put up with grumpy Kelly. “Sorry husband!”

I’m struggling to cope with my mum’s disease: the cancer that takes more than just your lifespan.

I’m finding it hard witnessing what the cancer is stealing from her. Like a thief that comes back repeatedly to take more. The cancer cannot resist taking “one more thing” from my mum.

It has taken her energy. Her appetite. It has taken her independence: her ability to cook, clean and even to make a cup of coffee.

Actually, she can’t even drink coffee now! My mum can no longer hold a cup without spilling it. Her hands are jerky and release their grip on whatever she’s holding. Anything hot would spill all over her, and scold her frail body.

Like I say to mum as a joke: “Not on my watch!” I’m content with my track record of keeping mum safe! 😉😆😂😘

I’m finding it hard to cope with the frustration I feel, because now mum is loosing more to cancer.

I think I feel particularly devastated as my hope seems to have fled the scene too.

You see, for the past 2 weeks mum has felt pretty well. Like she was reclaiming some of the things that have been taken from her by cancer.

She regained her appetite for food, and her appetite for life. She felt strong. She felt less tired. She felt like God was giving her a “time extension”, a miracle in the making. I believed it was possible, too.

And while I am forever grateful for these past 2 weeks, now I feel drained. Like our miracle has evaporated before we could actually take hold of it.

At first, we assumed that mum’s decline in health was due to her feeling tired after her flight to move to Alice Springs.

Then we thought that perhaps the heat was sapping mum of her strength.

Maybe a little extra rest would make her feel better?

But then the symptoms began to add up….

You see, mum isn’t just tired. The shaking and jerky hands have kicked back in. Mum’s appetite has disintegrated again. She struggles to get up out of chairs. She’s afraid of falling. Her legs are horrifically swollen with fluid. Her legs weigh so much, and they stubbornly refuse to lift up without assistance.

And now I have to watch as my mum begins to struggle processing things.

Like how my mum struggled to play Uno tonight.

I got excited to play Uno as a whole family. Mum was excited to join in. It was a nice family activity, but her mind betrayed her. She couldn’t do it. Nothing made sense. She wanted to put a red card on top of a blue, without being the same number. She couldn’t focus on whose turn it was to draw 2, once the card was put down.

I felt so sad for her. My mum is very clever, but her mind is struggling to focus.

All of these things make me feel helpless, and hopeless. How much more can we loose?

All that remains is one thing: our faith in God. Knowing that mum and I are on the same team: Team Jesus! 😀😀😀😀😀

I guess what I’m saying is that: I feel hopeless. Yet, I have Hope that pulls me out of the pit of despair. His name is Jesus.

“Lord please help me. I’m so sad. I’m confused. But I know that this story isn’t going to end here. Thank you that cancer can’t change who You are. But please help my mum cope with this next part of the journey. Please comfort both of us. Please be with everyone who loves my mum and is dealing with their own sadness. Please let all those who mourn, see You for who you are: the God who conforts. Please let the hope that my mum has in you be contagious. Please fill us with your peace. Give us hope for a future with you in Heaven.”

Love always Kelly xx

4 thoughts on “Full of Hope, yet feeling hopeless.

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