I thought it would be different…

I thought this would be different. Feel different. Loosing my mum.

Like I had envisioned one version of the plan, but in reality what we are facing is very different. I thought even my grief could be beautiful. Like the joy of mum’s life would perfectly balance with the sorrow of her absence.

I thought my faith would help buffer the pain of missing my mum. In a way, it does. I couldn’t fathom doing this season of loss without God. But in many other ways, the grief is just that: grief.

I thought I would feel relieved. Relieved that my mum is no longer suffering. That she is in Heaven with God now. I thought I would feel prepared to say goodbye to mum, because we were grieving already seeing her so unwell.

I don’t feel anything like I expected. I definitely don’t feel relieved, even though she is in Heaven. I’m sure she is relieved though!! No more pain. No more disease. No more sorrow. Just pure joy. Even so…I’m not feeling relief.

I thought I’d feel different. Yet, I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel sad and lost. I feel grief. Especially now that mum has passed away, the weight of the grief of the past few months is beginning to sink in. It’s just….sad. And numb. Sad and numb and strangely enough- in shock! Yes, despite months of preparation I feel shocked she actually died! How can that be?

Maybe it’s ok to just feel sad? To not have to dress up the grief and try and make it look beautiful? Maybe, for today…I can actually just allow myself to miss my mum.

My mum only lived in Alice Springs with us for 9 days. Yet, because of her time in our home everything reminds me of her. The clothes that belonged to her, now feel misplaced as they are left in the draws unworn.

Her room now is lonely, without my mum in there.

Even the calendar she insisted we buy her, brings both joy and sadness. I say joy because mum was planning her future well into 2020. She was so determined that she would have an incredible adventure in Alice Springs. I’m so proud of her determination to never give up! But followed by my admiration for my mum’s courage, is a sadness that she never made it to see in the New year!

My mum passed away early hours of the morning on December 28th.

After living with mum for 3 months, it feels odd not having her here. For 3 months, she was my focus….And now, life is meant to return to normal. But this journey is etched in my heart forever. I’m different. Like the geography of my heart has changed.

Some days feel normal. Some moments are normal. And life will eventually settle into a new normal. But then the moments will come where I feel another level of loss.

Like my first birthday that mum won’t call.

Like the next time I find out that I’m pregnant, and she’s not here to call her to let her know.

Then her birthday. The anniversary of her dying. The next time someone serves me pavlova- and I remember that no one makes pavlova like my mum!!

There are so many moments that haven’t been what I pictured. Some are little and insignificant in the large scheme of things. Other moments and situations will take time to process and grieve.

But ultimately, life rarely is what we pictured it to be. Isn’t that true?

Even with the many things that fill our heart with joy and love, life is not a movie scene. It is real and raw.

Life is full of unpredictable moments, so why am I so surprised that grief is any different?

Look at that woman! So beautiful.

As we prepare to celebrate her life at her funeral, I guess I can acknowledge the value of this messy grief. It’s real. People grieve all the time. For many reasons. Right now, it’s our families turn. We can grieve. Then one day…we can comfort others who are grieving.

Love always Kelly xx

2 thoughts on “I thought it would be different…

  1. Kelly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family at this time! And yes you’re right, allow yourself time to grieve. There’s no rule book on it. I found writing through my grief helped when I lost my Gran, who I had an amazing friendship with. I’m still writing about her six months later and it’s slowly getting easier. I still expect to call her sometimes but she wasn’t herself at the end (dementia) so it felt like we lost her earlier than we did.
    It’s so beautiful that she hung on through Christmas and you were able to spend quality time with her. Her faith is inspirational, what a legacy she has left for your girls 💖
    Sending love and prayers,
    Liz xxx

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  2. Kelly how good you are with words (James is the same) It May take quite awhile to accept that your beautiful Mum is no longer with us. It’s natural to be feeling the way you are because of the love you had for your Mum. It will only take a photo, memories of good times, a certain song to have you in tears. Be prepared for “Mother’s Day” when you go to pick out a card & realize you can’t give one to your Mum. Ads come on TV saying spoil your Mum, & you have to look away because the pain becomes unbearable. I can say this with accuracy as I was in my 30s’ when my Mum passed away. Even today I have moments when I wish with all my heart, I could give her a kiss/hug & talk to her because she always knew what to say if I was feeling down.
    It is really hard to accept, but memories of her will stay in your heart forever, so talk to her in your mind & you’ll feel she is still with you
    Love you so much Kelly xx 💋💕

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