Bit by bit…

Saying goodbye to my mum is strange. Tomorrow will be the 28th of January, one month after mum passed away.

Some days I feel fine. I’ve felt peaceful and calm. Like God has buffered the grief. But these past few days, I can feel the sadness and loss. You know those times when you can feel the tears forming just close to the surface? Like they could spill out with just the smallest nudge?

How can this be it???

I often walk past a photo of my mum in the hallway and wonder: “How can she be gone?”

My mum was such a courageous woman of faith. She made me proud. She loved to laugh. She loved life. She raised her kids well.

I guess grief is something that you feel bit by bit. It’s unpredictable and strange.

One moment I think of mum in Heaven, with God and I feel good. Another moment, my mind remembers parts of the past few months and I re-live the trauma of loosing my mum to cancer.

It was hard. It was exhausting. And it was emotional. I cried a lot. My brother James cried, too. How grateful I suddenly feel to have siblings. I have 2 brother’s: James and Ali.

I’m now more aware of how valuable it is to have someone who shared the same parents as me, and who miss the same people. When I was worried about my mum, James was right there feeling the same thing. And in the times when I want to remember something special about my mum, I know that James will laugh along with me or understand the depth of my loss.

We have both shared so many common experiences. Maybe that’s why God created family. Not just parents- but siblings. I didn’t see the value as keenly as I do in this current season!

On the note of siblings, it reminds me of what my best friend Catherine (katt) & I used to say to each other: “You’re the sister God forgot to give me!” 😘😊 bit cute, Hey?

I think sometimes friends get adopted into the role of family too. Like my bestie, Katt. I never got a biological sister, so we just claimed each other as sisters!

Or my aunty Shirley. She’s not my aunty by blood, but by heart….and she has been adopted into that position since I was young.

Then there is my aunty Jean and uncle Tom. They were my first pastors growing up, but now they are adopted family. Love them so much!!!!❤❤ (& the list could go on and on).

❤❤Even amongst the hard times and the grief, there are precious gifts worth celebrating.❤❤

Sometimes we can’t control the sad things that we face. However, we try our best even though we still face pain and heartache.

Yet I’ve seen God do a thousand miracles in my own life! So why didn’t mum get healed like we had prayed? I have no answers to that.

But I do know that God does heal some people. So, I will keep praying for other people to get healed….just like my mum never stopped praying for others.

And I know that God sees the bigger picture.

Today, my children reminded me of this simple truth.

My baby Haven, who is 1 years old was grumpy at me today. She desperately wanted to follow me outside to the backyard, while I went to hang up some washing on the line. I put her in her play cot with toys instead. She screamed in frustration!! I explained to my 7 year old, Ariella, that Haven couldn’t understand my reason for not letting her follow me. But I knew that if she walked outside, her feet would get burnt because it was such a hot day! We also have no grass to protect her feet from the scorching dirt. It would be a nightmare! So, I was protecting her even though she was too young to comprehend my motive.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not crying and frustrated, just like Haven was. But I know that God loves me. So, there must be something I can’t comprehend yet…

“God, please help me when I miss my mum. Please support me as I think about how much I’ve lost, now that she’s gone. Give me joy in my memories, instead of this stinging sensation that makes me feel like I can’t catch my breath at times. You know that I’m just a little girl at heart….who misses her mum and needs a cuddle.

When I meet you face to face in Heaven, could you please show me what I can’t understand right now?”

Love always Kelly xx

2 thoughts on “Bit by bit…

  1. We all knew when the time came it was going to be heartbreaking, but no matter how much you think you’ve prepare for it, you never are. I know everyday is so hard, and some days are even harder, I think it helps to express your emotions & to always talk about your beautiful Mum. She would have know how her passing would effect you, but at the same time she wouldn’t want you to spend every day sad (easier said than done) Try to think of Her in a beautiful place without any pain watching over Her lovely family & feeling so proud of each & every one of you. See how I’ve made that change through your Mum. I still feel her presence around me, & talk to her often. I won’t say you’ll ever get over the pain & heartbreak of losing her, and it can be a long road until you can feel at least a bit happier in life, but take each day as it comes, and remember we are all here to help you through this tragic time. Love today & Always. XX 💕

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