I thought this would be different. Feel different. Loosing my mum.
Like I had envisioned one version of the plan, but in reality what we are facing is very different. I thought even my grief could be beautiful. Like the joy of mum’s life would perfectly balance with the sorrow of her absence.
I thought my faith would help buffer the pain of missing my mum. In a way, it does. I couldn’t fathom doing this season of loss without God. But in many other ways, the grief is just that: grief.
I thought I would feel relieved. Relieved that my mum is no longer suffering. That she is in Heaven with God now. I thought I would feel prepared to say goodbye to mum, because we were grieving already seeing her so unwell.
I don’t feel anything like I expected. I definitely don’t feel relieved, even though she is in Heaven. I’m sure she is relieved though!! No more pain. No more disease. No more sorrow. Just pure joy. Even so…I’m not feeling relief.
I thought I’d feel different. Yet, I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel sad and lost. I feel grief. Especially now that mum has passed away, the weight of the grief of the past few months is beginning to sink in. It’s just….sad. And numb. Sad and numb and strangely enough- in shock! Yes, despite months of preparation I feel shocked she actually died! How can that be?
Maybe it’s ok to just feel sad? To not have to dress up the grief and try and make it look beautiful? Maybe, for today…I can actually just allow myself to miss my mum.
My mum only lived in Alice Springs with us for 9 days. Yet, because of her time in our home everything reminds me of her. The clothes that belonged to her, now feel misplaced as they are left in the draws unworn.
Her room now is lonely, without my mum in there.
Even the calendar she insisted we buy her, brings both joy and sadness. I say joy because mum was planning her future well into 2020. She was so determined that she would have an incredible adventure in Alice Springs. I’m so proud of her determination to never give up! But followed by my admiration for my mum’s courage, is a sadness that she never made it to see in the New year!
My mum passed away early hours of the morning on December 28th.
After living with mum for 3 months, it feels odd not having her here. For 3 months, she was my focus….And now, life is meant to return to normal. But this journey is etched in my heart forever. I’m different. Like the geography of my heart has changed.
Some days feel normal. Some moments are normal. And life will eventually settle into a new normal. But then the moments will come where I feel another level of loss.
Like my first birthday that mum won’t call.
Like the next time I find out that I’m pregnant, and she’s not here to call her to let her know.
Then her birthday. The anniversary of her dying. The next time someone serves me pavlova- and I remember that no one makes pavlova like my mum!!
There are so many moments that haven’t been what I pictured. Some are little and insignificant in the large scheme of things. Other moments and situations will take time to process and grieve.
But ultimately, life rarely is what we pictured it to be. Isn’t that true?
Even with the many things that fill our heart with joy and love, life is not a movie scene. It is real and raw.
Life is full of unpredictable moments, so why am I so surprised that grief is any different?
Look at that woman! So beautiful.
As we prepare to celebrate her life at her funeral, I guess I can acknowledge the value of this messy grief. It’s real. People grieve all the time. For many reasons. Right now, it’s our families turn. We can grieve. Then one day…we can comfort others who are grieving.
Love always Kelly xx