10,000 reasons.

i know lots of people who don’t believe in God. But I think there are more people who know God exists, but think He’s not good. Our lives are full of pain at times…And the world can be a horrible place.

How can we process a heart that grieves things like murder or miscarriage? Divorce and diseases? Why do some people struggle to get pregnant, while others have multiple abortions?

I have no answers. No arguments to soothe your heart or take away such pain.

I myself have had pain. We all have. But that is not my story to tell. We can spend our whole lives trying to understand why there is such immense pain and sorrow in this earthly life. But that is not my song to sing. All I can tell you is that in my life, God is good. Through every trial and all of the pain.

This morning I was reading my journal from the past 7 weeks since mum found out that she’s got terminal cancer. Through the pages I can see the sadness and sense of loss. It is real and raw. But what shines brighter than the grief- is how God has turned our sadness into joy.

Do you know that God goes before us, to make it possible to walk through the hardest times?

Let me tell you one of my stories. Last week I got to return to my home in Alice springs. I hadn’t seen my amazing husband in about 5-6 weeks. I also hadn’t seen my 2 oldest daughter’s…who aren’t really old at all! They are only 5 years old and 7. Still so tiny and needing their mummy.

I got to be with them for 6 full days. A complete family of 6 again! My husband and I: and our 4 daughters.

Then I had to come back to Adelaide, to hold my mum’s hand as she walks through terminal cancer.

On Monday morning, I dropped two of my girls at school. Then the tears started flowing…I could feel the grief and exhaustion return from the weight of these past few weeks. I was tired. Not prepared to say goodbye to my kids again. Not prepared to see my mum get sicker.

Then I realised, God knew. God knew that Monday was going to be “one of those days”. Because I had already planned on spending Monday morning with some of the greatest friends in Alice springs. (& I have so many worthy of that title!!!) These women are the kind who will laugh with you and celebrate the great times! But they are also prayer warriors who will pray for you when you are too weak to pray for yourself.

So God had gone before me, and pre-organised that catch up…before I knew I needed it that day. Plus, these ladies are just fun to be around.

Later that day, my friend Claire text me. I told her to come around if she was free. I love Claire! She’s incredible.

When I text her, I was fine…Happy after my little girls had napped for an hour. Claire was 10 minutes away!

Then I got a text from my brother James. He wanted me to prepare to see mum in a few days. She’s getting weaker, he said. She’s lost more weight. She’s dropping things. My heart felt frozen inside my chest. The grief threatened to seize me once again.

When Claire arrived she told me that she had been praying for me and my mum that morning. She said that she felt God told her to visit me and pray for me. I told her about the text from James. I started to cry. “Claire, I’m so sad” I admitted.

Claire prayed for me. I felt such peace and comfort coming over me as she prayed. When she left, I felt so loved. So cared for.

I knew that God had gone before me that day. He knew my heart would be fragile and weak. That I couldn’t face the day alone. That I needed my friends to love me. To pray for our family. To laugh with me and cry with me. I needed hugs. I needed friendship.

I even needed my brother to warn me about mum. I needed a sibling to grieve with me.

So this is my new song to God. It is a song of loss and raw emotions and questions. It is not a perfect song. But woven into the tapestry of my heart is a song of praise. I have 10,000 reasons to be grateful to God. He has never left me. He goes before me and comforts my heart.

Have you ever felt like God has taken care of you, even if it still hurt?

Have you ever thought: “That was such good timing when..”

Have you ever thought “That was a miracle when…”

Have you ever noticed that God gave you enough courage to get through a particularly hard situation?

Maybe God has been working in your life, before you even wondered if He was even real or not?

Will you let Him comfort your heart, too?

Love always Kelly xx

The value of something priceless❤

These past 7 weeks with mum have been priceless.

I’ve been very emotional these past few days…so emotional and teary, in fact, that there is no point putting on makeup. Mascara is no longer my friend, but something that attacks my eyes after my tears encourage it to smudge all over my face! Ladies, you would understand!

Mascara also seems to prey on vulnerable women. After crying anything more than a sweet and innocent tear, mascara quickly turns my face into a war zone. So, for now…my eyes are naked and only accompanied with eye shadow at best. 😆

Foundation isn’t much better. After my tears erupt, my foundation disappears! With one wipe of my hand to get rid of stray tears…my foundation abandons me! Right when I need it most!

So alas, this morning I stood crying at my daughter’s school. Tears flowing, and foundation gone! Red eyes, and red face. I said goodbye to my baby girls- only 7 days after reuniting with them, after 6 weeks apart.

But this time we can count down the weeks! 3 weeks till we can be a whole family again.

But as I’ve been packing my suitcase this morning, I’ve been thinking about my beautiful mother. She’s getting sicker and weaker. I’ve been thinking about life without her. How empty life might feel without my mum.

What a devoted nanna and mum xx

No more phone calls. No more hugs. No more visits. I’ll miss her so much. She’s been the BEST Mum! She’s such a blessing.

This made me think. What do I love most about Mum??? What gives her such value in my heart.

I would say it’s because she’s my mum. But not everyone has a close relationship with their mum. And some mum’s are broken people…or just barely cope with their role as mum. After all, mum’s are just ordinary people, with every day challenges too.

My mum is pricess. She is valuable and a tremendous gift in my life. When my dad left me at a few days old, my mum raised my brother and I as a single mum. When I was sick, mum picked me up from school.

When mum received the phone call to say my dad had taken his own life, it was mum who watched me helplessly break down on the floor crying. It was mum who held me as I screamed in shock and despair. As a mum of 4 girls myself, I now realize how painful it must have been for her to watch her children go through such pain.

It was my mum who forgave me when I was a nasty teenager, and who held her tongue when she could have lashed out in response to my disrespectful behaviour.

It was my mum who kept praying for me when I was an 18 year old. It was mum who tirelessly told me I needed Jesus. Even when I told her off for telling me so often!

It was my mum who has been the constant in my life. And it was mum who showed me that God will be the One I can cling to, even after she dies.

So my question is: what is the value of something priceless??

A mum is priceless. Her worth is far above rubies. Can anything replace a loving parent? Or a child?

Have you had to say goodbye to someone who is priceless?

And what legacy did that person leave for you to cling to?

My mum has no earthly treasures to leave us. No money or home to sell. No car or items that have anything other than sentimental value.

But what she’s given us is a million times better. She’s given us love. She’s given her time. She’s created memories. She’s led us by example. She’s prayed for us children, even now- when she’s fragile and exhausted.

I’ve prayed with her. Heard her praying for others. She still prays for healing for people who are unwell- not discouraged at all by her own condition!!!

She prays for others to come to know her Heavenly Father. She prays for God to bless and comfort those who mourn, when she’s in Heaven.

Her faith is what I will treasure most.

Maybe you’re reading this and you don’t share our faith. That’s ok. Because God loves you, even if you haven’t discovered Him yet.

Just like a mother loves her unborn baby with a fierce protective love….God loves you as His child.

An unborn baby doesn’t know the mum or dad yet, but eventually they feel it. So we feel God’s love in a million ways. The kindness of strangers. The generosity of friends. The beauty of nature.

Maybe you aren’t there yet. But knowing God is the gift my mum gave me. And it’s the best inheritance I could ask for. Especially as we face loosing her. How could you walk through such grief and heartache without God’s comfort? It’s all I’ve got to cling to…..

So I praise God for my mum. For her life and her loving mother’s heart. It reminds me of the value of something priceless.

Love always Kelly xx

There’s something about Jubilee❤

Hello again, how are You?

Today, I want to tell you about the name Jubilee❤ Hopefully, you’ve read my posts about the name Ruby; and how we feel God has placed that name on our hearts.

Today, I want to share with you about the name “Jubilee”, and how it is connected with Ruby. Or at least, our interpretation of it’s meaning.

Maybe God is quietly amused as we try to connect the dots- dots that He alone can connect?

Let’s be honest….and I think God has the best sense of humour. He’s so sneaky at times, and so wonderful through it all.

In August this year, we went to an Iris ministries church conference in Brisbane. It was such a special time. God refreshed our family & we felt so encouraged in many ways!

I assumed that the conference sessions would encourage us the most, however it was actually our host family who did all of the encouraging!!!

We stayed with the most amazing family. A family who had 4 children, who were pre-teenagers or teenage age. A South African family called the Van Rensburgs. Each member of their family is a tremendous gift!!!

I cannot praise them enough, or thank them enough for how they poured out their love over our family during the 7 night’s we stayed with them. And it was watching the way they ministered to others as a family, that inspired Will & I the most!!!

Ok, back to Jubilee 😄

Mariza (the mum of the house) showed me a “prophetic” painting that her friend had created for her. It was a picture of a city. In the city I noticed in tiny print, was the word ‘Jubilee’.

I instantly felt drawn to it, as I know the Duggar family in America (you know, 19 kids and counting TV show?) Had a daughter called Jubilee. Sadly, they lost their 20th baby at 20 weeks. But I love the Duggar family, and their conservative faith.

Later that afternoon, Will and I were driving back to church. I asked Will what He thought about the name ‘Jubilee’, you know …I guess for the baby after Ruby 🤣😂😉

Will responded the way I had assumed he would: “Meh. Hmm…It’s a little unusual!”

I kinda agreed. I love unusual girls names, but Jubilee may be too much for poor Will 😂 So, I dismissed it. We moved onto other topics.

We soon arrived at the Riverlife Baptist church, parked the car and headed inside the auditorium. As we walked inside though, the first thing we heard was a lady call put: “Jubilee!”- as she tried to capture the attention of her young daughter.

I went over and chatted to the missionary mum. I asked her, “Is your daughter’s name really Jubilee?” Yes, our 3rd daughter she confirmed. I was amazed.

Again, it wasn’t that someone had a daughter with that name- but the timing itself that had us shaking our heads in wonder!

Will and I started wondering: Is Jubilee the middle name for Ruby? Ruby Jubilee Knott. Or will we have twins? Ruby and Jubilee? We feel more like the first version is more likely.

During the following weeks, I asked God about these two names. “Lord , what is it about Ruby? Why have you given us this name? Lord, what is it about Jubilee that now feels so right?”

A thought popped into my head. Maybe it was the answer to my prayer?

Ruby is something valuable. Something special. Rubies are beautiful and hold value.

Jubilee is a celebration. Usually a 25th or 50th anniversary celebration. In the bible, the year of Jubilee also holds a significance. Land could be returned to it’s original owners. Slaves could be set free. The land was allowed to rest, with no sowing or reaping.

So my heart cried out: Ruby Jubilee is a celebration of something valuable!!!!!

Instinctively, I knew it wasn’t a celebration of the things that the world values. I felt the Lord impress on my heart that He celebrates the simple things, that have great eternal signigicance!

Things like, the faith of my dear mum as she praises her saviour while in Palliative care.

Things like the daily life of parenting, and sacrificing to raise your children. Especially, when each day seems like you have done nothing of value.

I felt like God was celebrating the value of kindness, of honesty and of loving others. Of trusting God, when your circumstances are unpredictable or out of your comfort zone.

Ruby Jubilee. My heart is filled with joy, just putting those two names together. What am I doing today that God celebrates?

What could I be focusing on?

Thank you Jesus, for these names. I don’t know if Ruby is our future daughter or a name that reflects your heart.

Will I return to my home in Alice, and Ruby will be added to our family in an unusual way? This child we love already!!!

The next part of this story almost has me in tears. I was blown away by what happened next. In fact, it happened this week while in Walleroo with my family. I love it! I can’t wait to share it with you.

Like you are watching the unfolding of a story…and how God is bringing us joy, during a season of unknowns.

Love always Kelly xx

Crying at Optus.

How much effort does a trip to Optus usually take? Not a lot.

Well, maybe of you have children… or if your elderly. Or really pregnant 🤣😗🤔

Normally paying a bill or finalising an account isn’t a big deal. However, my mum is dying. It sounds dramatic, especially as she looks ok.

Little cutie pie xx

Yesterday, we had a lovely visit from aunty Cheryl S. Aunty Cheryl helped mum by only visiting briefly, but also by shopping for mum. Little blessings are big helps!

By 3pm though, we were exhaisted: mum & I. My 3 year old was screaming….although she declared that she “wasn’t tired!!!” 🤣😂

We couldn’t leave it another day, it had to be today! Time when mum is able to do these things may be limited. Who knows what tomorrow will hold?

We told ouselves: “We need to get this done!” Mum needed to pay her plan outright, to go ‘prepaid’. Because we need to make things simpler, less accounts to close when we are grieving later. It sounds horrible, and with every thing we do, it reminds us that mum is sick.

Mum gets tired quickly. A short walk is a real effort. She uses a walker to sit down and recover, before walking further.

After getting my two girls out of the car, and watching mum struggle to walk all the way into Optus: we arrive!

Victory! We made It! “We can finally tick this job off our list!” We think to ourselves.

But no. Apparently, we must wait until November 24th. Mum explains, “she’s terminal”, she gingerly says “I might not be here by November 24th!””, while a tear trickles down her face.

The staff tell us there is nothing they can do. We can pay the “payout” amount, and the final bill will be sent once they calculate her usage after the 24th.

Can’t someone calculate it for us, now? We ask. Feeling overwhelmed, at this point. Tears threatening to spill out into public view.

We are advisesd to call customer service. Maybe they can help? Mum and I glance at each other, we are so fragile emotionally. The thought of one more business phone call or enquiry seems impossibly hard to bare.

Have you ever felt like that? When the simple, feels impossible?

Then we try another option: Could Optus give me permission to act on mum’s behalf? Could mum sign something to tell Optus that I can pay her bills etc?

“Unfortunately, we can’t do that in store”, they reply.

You see, those Optus guys don’t know what it took for us to get there. They don’t understand how many “affairs” we have already had to organise. It’s not their fault. But this cancer, is hard work!

It’s exhausting to tell strangers that mum is dying. It’s exhausting finding paperwork in mum’s draws to quote another customer reference number. 🤣😂

We left Optus, Brielle still mid-tantrum. Mum saying “I’m so over all of this!!! She looked so weary, and so frustrated.

We are just trying to do the right thing. Pay bills. Finalise direct debits. Cancel subscriptions.

Little things are hard to process:

Will mum really appreciate her new dentures she had fitted a few months ago, but aren’t ready to collect yet?

Even mum’s garden, which we water every day…soon there will be no one to tend to it. This won’t be our property snymore.

And then we think about mum’s dog: Rosie. Who will love an old, dying puppy after mum passes away? A 2 day drive up to Alice Springs seems unlikely. But what is the alternative?

By the end of the night, we were ok again. Some days are good, and others hold moments like our Optus trip.

“Lord, we are tired. Physically and emotionally. Yet, our hearts still whisper: ‘Will you carry us through this?’

Lord, you see our raw and vulnerable hearts. ‘Please give us enough grace to walk this season with courage and faith’.

Thank you that you say that your mercies are new every morning…

Thank you that today, we go on a little holiday!!!! You knew that we would need one right now. Thank you that you go before us, even when we are too tired to see everything you are doing on our behalf.

Thank you that we don’t have to pretend to be strong, you let us come to you: weary, broken and vulnerable. But you never leave us alone that way…

Love always Kelly xx

Ruby Jubilee – the plot thickens!

Yesterday, I began to share the story of Ruby with you. The story that has captured our curiosity and given us a love for someone we have never met!

Maybe Ruby will be our next daughter, or will she join our family through foster care or adoption?

We have no idea what God is speaking to us about! But this is where faith comes in, right?

Didn’t Noah build an ark, when it had never rained before? That’s faith!

I feel like this story might encourage someone… maybe someone who feels like God is preparing them for something? The awkward stage is often when we can ‘sense’ God preparing us for something, but we have no idea what for!?!

Months pass. Since the conversation with Claire, the name Ruby is at home in our hearts. Ruby is a welcomed household name. Our girls ponder about her. She’s spoken of, like our family is already expecting her to arrive in the near future.

It feels so normal. But…. this is obviously not normal. We don’t know if Ruby is even real!

A few months ago, we went away for a few days. Our family went to explore “Gem tree”, a few hours away from our home in Alice springs.

While we were there, I went for a little stroll with Brielle and Lylah. We were in a small historical building, reading the information about the original settlers.

Beside us, was a lady with her children. I heard the mother say Ruby, while talking to her daughter. So my ear was more attentive, and I smiled to myself.

Then the mother warmly turned to me and smiled as she inquired: “which one of your girls is called Ruby?”

I was suprised. I replied: ” oh, I don’t have a daughter called Ruby…but I love the name!!”

The lady was slightly taken aback. “I thought I heard you call out ‘Ruby’ to one of your girls”, she continued.

I tried to explain: “May be you heard me call out: “Bree bree”? It sounds similar.

“Hmm, maybe…?” She consented.

Even as I tried to give a logical explaination, I knew this was a confirmation for my heart. God was speaking to me about Ruby. First, through Claire…now through a stranger who heard me call out “Ruby”.

The question remains: “Why?”

Not only “Why Has God put the name ‘Ruby’ on our hearts?”, but how will she come into our lives? Will God bring her to us, and we just chill out and wait *somewhat* patiently?😂🤣😉

But why is the title: “Ruby Jubilee”?

How does ‘Jubilee’ fit into this mystery?

Well, that my friend is another story. 😛Another mystery.

Have you had any God stories of your own that started off strangely? Did it all make sense in the end?

And most of all….How long did you have to wait??? 🤔

Love always Kelly xx

Ruby Jubilee

I love to tell stories! And I love to hear stories. I love to read biographies, and my favourite thing is a good testimony!!

I mean, who doesn’t love a good story??? The best stories are moving, with a message that you can learn from aswell.

This is more of a story “in the making”.

It began very simply: with me daydreaming about future baby names. No, I’m not expecting a baby 😂😛 We just love picking names “just in case” we get blessed with another bubba.

It usually sounds like this:

Me: ” Husband….what do you think of (insert baby name) if we have another girl?


Me: “Babe, what about (insert name) if we have a boy one day?”

This day the name Ruby came to my mind. I dismissed it instantly, as l knew that it wasn’t one of Will’s favourite names. Also, we had kinda “locked in” our next girl’s name. A name we both loved. So, Ruby was out of the question.

However, few hours later, I was catching up with some church friends. This was when God first got my attention- the timing was uncanny.

I have an amazing friend called Claire. That day Claire and I were chatting about whether Will & I were planning on making more babies. 😂🤣😆 I guess it’s a normal question, as we have 4 girls already!!

Then Claire asked: “What do you think about the name Ruby? I can picture you with a little girl called Ruby!”

I told Claire: ” That’s so weird! I was just thinking about baby names today, and Ruby popped into my head!”

Claire agreed the timing was unusual. She suggested that I pray and ask God about it.

This is when most people would say: “What a weird coincidence!” Or “What are the odds???” But I felt like God was putting the name Ruby on our hearts for a reason.

Later, I got to share this story with Will. He reminded me that He didn’t like the name Ruby. But he agreed that maybe God was trying to speak to us, mainly because of the timing. Then he said that we should start praying for “Ruby”. Maybe she would be a child brought into our family through fostering/adoption? Maybe God wanted us to call our next daughter Ruby?

We shared this with our girls. We said that maybe we were “reading too much into this” “Maybe there is no Ruby..?” But just in case, we should pray for baby Ruby as a family. We prayed that if Ruby was in another mummies tummy, that God would keep her safe. Both the mummy, and baby Ruby. We prayed that God would bring Ruby into our lives.

Then our 7 year old prayed. She said: “and God, no matter what skin colour Ruby has, we will love her!” (I found this interesting, as we never mentioned skin colour when talking about Ruby).

Will Ruby just come into our lives? It didn’t take long for “Ruby” to capture our hearts, yet we don’t even know if she’s real or not. We have come to love the name Ruby, and would love to call our next daughter Ruby…unless God brings us a Ruby another way.

Strange huh? How something so small can be like a seed planted in your heart? How could my husband fall in love with a name that he originally wasn’t drawn to? Why am I praying for a child called Ruby, without knowing if we will ever meet her?

Maybe Ruby isn’t even a child, so much as a name God is using to prepare our hearts for something?

Maybe God is teaching us about something valuable to Him? Rubies are beautiful and of value. Like a treasure….?

This is just the first little snippet of the story. Or maybe you could think of it as “episode 1”.😀

Mostly, because it’s a long story. But also, because in real life, we had to wait too!😂🤣😆

Has God ever spoken to you, but you didn’t understand what He was saying yet?

Has anyone else had an unusual God moment? How has God gotten your attention?

Love always Kelly xx

16 years old …16 years later.

The other day, I had a thought. It was a realization of something that feels pretty unfair. 16 years ago almost, I lost my dad to suicide. It was a horrible season. The grief took my breath away.

I wanted the world to stop spinning and everyone else to stop doing their daily tasks. Like my grief should send shockwaves big enough for other people to have to stop for a moment. Because for me, it felt like my world DID stop.

Maybe other people have experienced a loss like that? Where normal routine and normal conversations seem out of place? Where nothing feels like it once did?

That was a lifetime ago. The sad thing is, this November..It will be 16 years since my dad left. He will have been gone for the same number of years that I had him here.

And now, 16 years later- my heart is forced to prepare to say goodbye again…this time to my mum. I’m only 31. Can you loose both parents at such an early age?

It doesn’t seem right. When do you ever stop needing your Mum?

When do you ever feel prepared to say “goodbye”?

What will we do at all of the special occasions, that suddenly won’t seem as “special” without her?

Even so, I know that I am blessed. Blessed because some people don’t have this many years with their parents.

My nanna lost both her parents one Christmas Eve. They lived in the country. I don’t think the railway crossings had flashing lights, or maybe they were just distracted. Probably thinking about their Christmas plans. My nanna always said her mum loved Christmas. That was It- the train came before they could stop their car in time.

I’m also grateful that this time, there is the change to say “goodbye”. With my dad, there was only a brief note from my dad. It didn’t have anything powerful enough to comfort my heart. Any suicide note feels empty, I’m guessing.

This time, we have time. Maybe not long enough together. But I get to hug my mum. Last week, I snuck into her room once my girls fell asleep. And I asked my mum quietly: “Are you awake, Mum?”

She replied: “Yes, darling”.

So I crawled into her bed, and asked her to snuggle me. Like when I was younger, still a little girl. We cried. I told her that I couldn’t picture life without her. I told her that I’m too young to loose her. I told her…that she has been the best mum ever! That I’m so incredibly proud of her.

And after all the tears and tissues- we laughed. We laughed at the funny things that we could remember. The good times and the crazy times.

The process of losing mum is so surreal. But it is still a gift. Many people don’t get to say goodbye. So, I thank God for the memories I’m still creating with my mum now.

And mum and I can see God’s fingerprints in each day. We see how God is carrying our family through this process. We can still see the goodness of God, despite the pain.

“Lord, you see my heart. You see the tears and the grief and the fear of losing my mum. And you see hers. You know her pain. But Lord, thank you for the treasures you have hidden along this path. The kindness of friends and family. The peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you that we know that mum loves you. And I thank you for the joy that awaits her in Heaven, with you. “

Love always Kelly xx